I know, I know – BEAUTYCALYPSE is a clean beauty blog. But toxins are everywhere, and I know you’ll agree: there’s no beauty if the soul is tortured.
Don’t we all have at least one Dementor in our inner circle? A friend who’s always poisonous? A relative who’s always exhausting?
I have a friend who learned to deal with his (highly toxic) mother by the age of 50. He’s a successful, intelligent guy, a top manager, a caring husband and father. His mother made him a very short leash from guilt-trips and reproaches.
I know a girl whose life stops after just a text from a “friend”. She’s immobilised, drained of any energy – for hours. Just one text, guys, but very cleverly loaded with emotional blackmail.
I have experienced poisonous bosses, colleagues and relatives myself. There is no way to change those people. All you can do is get rid of them.
And today I want to talk about how to identify them and how to “detox”.
POISON IVY AND OTHER TYPES
They come in a large variety of colours and disguises: toxic people. Psychologists and life coaches have spent hours of precious time discussing this topic with their clients, crafting typologies, developing strategies…
Interestingly, all strategies have one common thread: Get rid of them.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t see those people anymore; that’s hard to perform with a close relative, or a colleague you can’t avoid. It means to get rid of them emotionally. But – how?
Whether it’s a destructive narcissist, or a borderline personality, or a downright psychopath – it’s not your job to fix them, it’s not your fault they’re unhappy. You got to face but only one decision: do you want to suffer with them (because they will never ever change and you can’t do nothing about it) or not? They want your energy and they give nothing back. And don’t you have better use for your energy than that? What about all that time you could spend fulfilling a dream, or together with people you like instead of being stuck in the toxic mud, being manipulated?
But how do you recognise if somebody is a manipulative type?
Toxic person checklist:
- Has no respect for your time, your boundaries, your needs
- Is always negative about their own life and anything in your life, too
- Is always criticising you, your job, your look, your partner – everything
- Scapegoats; acts like a constant victim and/or never takes responsibility for own actions, you are forced to act like their nanny, mummy, attorney…
- All of his/her (mostly minuscule) help or gifts/compliments/recognition (coming undemanded!) come with an agenda and conditions
- Tries to control you as much as possible
If you had just one “YES”, well, congratulations? – you’ve got your poisonous pal.
DETOX HOW-TO
Your counter-attack is based on your knowledge that EVERY WORD coming from a toxic person’s mouth is part of the manipulation.
REPEAT WITH ME:
EVERY WORD IS MANIPULATION.”
Are they being nice, asking how your day was, making compliments? The better to lull you, my child.
Are they being helpful, offering their service? Oh no, don’t accept – there are not just strings, there are ugly price tags attached.
Have they bought a cool new handbag but think it would look better on you? Don’t take it.
Don’t do anything that provides them with manipulation material. Sure, they still can scrutinise something you can’t take away from them – your look or the fact that you haven’t called or whatnot. Shake it off. Don’t comment, don’t justify, don’t discuss, don’t explain. This criticism doesn’t mean anything. It’s all part of the manipulation game, designed to weaken, to macerate you so that you’re too powerless when their attack begins.
Your protective toolkit:
- Protect your integrity – a relationship is based on mutual rules. Explain once and for all what you’ll never accept. Be consistent, safeguard your boundaries.
- Detach emotionally – all of the toxic person’s poison is basically not about you, it’s only about themselves. Themselves having fun controlling you like a puppet.
- Spend less time – let the contact fade out. If an ordered retreat feels bad to you – tell yourself that spending time with them is like going for a walk in a pile of radioactive waste.
When you finally get rid of them, you will feel something weird, strange and very beautiful.
You will feel your confidence, and your backbone grow, you will feel your authentic self unfold, and your dreams rise their heads. It almost feels like you spread your wings to fly.
And if you’ve felt that just once, you’ll never want to go back to the toxic place.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF – BE FRIENDLY, YET VERY CONSEQUENT TOWARDS THE TOXIC PERSON IN YOUR LIFE.
Let’s wrap it up with a couple inspirational quotes, to kick-start a happy new era, shall we?
I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.”
– Audrey Hepburn
On being your Best Self no matter what:
People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. (…) In the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
– Mother Teresa
Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.”
– Dalai Lama XIV
Happy Monday EveryDay, you all!
xoxo
BEAUTYCALYPTIQUE
P.S.
I have updated this post because it’s being found by new readers several times per week which I’ve never expected.
It’s sad and devastating that so many people have to look for advice.
I get a lot of “toxic mother” and “toxic friends” searches that lead to this post. So I wanted to add this for everyone feeling miserable and drained:
Be kind to yourself. Respect yourself. Don’t push yourself or blame yourself.
Know what you can allow and what you never will.
The ideal state is when you’re not deeply offended or insulted by what the toxic person says, but rather understand, with your mind and intellect, that you aren’t hurt but can’t tolerate mean behaviour. This has always helped me. Doing my best in life, always, being authentic – and saying NO whenever appropriate (= not to hurt other people’s feelings). And this I have learned through a lot of pain!
And don’t be cruel to the toxic person – just let them know that you aren’t pleased and that their behaviour is going to have consequences. Any person that genuinely likes you has to learn to respect you.
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Categories: BEAUTYCALYPSE, WELL-BEING + FITNESS + MINDFUL PRACTICES
I worked with a woman that so drained the happiness out of my life. It took an age for her to get the message, even now she pops up from time to time. Other people have noticed her narcissistic and psycho ways. Some of her ex’s gad to include the police in some instances. Fortunately I managed to escape her as did others, Having read the above I’d say Avoid them at all costs. They lie, cheat, steal, play pity me games, never accept responsibly or accept they’re wrong. This video explains a lot made by some one who really knows the person that I once “kind of knew”, he could even be her ex! https://youtu.be/_DQL4YXAOJg
Good for you to have managed to get rid of that person. I found it’s the healthiest to not demonise narcisstists either, just set up boundaries and be very, very strict with and protective of those boundaries. Our modern world is very beneficial for narcisstists to thrive, so the challenge never quite ends.
YES, THESE STEPS MAY WORK AT CERTAIN TIMES, TIMES WHERE YOU ARE NOT BOMBARDED WITH TOXICITY /BAD FATE EVEN IF YOU HAVE LEFT FAMILY MEMBERS TO MOVE ON TO A BETTER LIFE. ANY SPIRITUAL READERS? I AM NOT LOOKING FOR COMMENTS TO MY COMMENT, JUST BLESSINGS FROM THOSE WHO CARE. TORCHER FROM A SOCIETY OF FOOLS THAT INSTIGATES ME TO FEEL VIOLENT AFTER LEAVING FAMILY VIOLENCE AND BEING PUSHED INTO POVERTY, NOW TRYING TO REBUILD MY LIFE, AND STILL EXPERIENCING THE EVIL OF THIS WORLD IN OVERABUNDANCE AND ADVERSITY OF MY GOALS, DOES NOT HELP ME TO MOVE FORWARD. I HAVE PRACTICED THESE STEPS. I ALREADY KNEW WHAT TO DO. IT IS ALREADY PART OF WHO I AM, YET EVIL IN THIS WORLD SEEMS TO WANT ME TO BE SOMEONE ELSE.
this is so helpful
Itѕ like you read my thoughts! You appear to know a lot about this,
like you wrote the guidе in it or something. A great read. I’ll definitely be back.
Such an intense post.I loved that a lot. Will you write a part 2?
There is a Soul Detox series here 🙂 Check it out!
Thanks for this blog. Having been accused of being a toxic bitch by my sister, (but I’m sure she is the dementor and I stay away) I’m stuck in a hall of mirrors not knowing if it’s me or them. All I know is I don’t want to be a bitch and I’ve been working on that a long time, so much I’ve become a neurotic pushover. So I get stuck in the victim trap, trying to get help makes me a victim and stuck in a new drama and so on.
So for the benefit of those who mean well and might appear toxic like me, I think some peoples poisonous ness is just like a bad smell they give off from being in poop so long, and they’re too weak to clean themselves up. Yes it draws in trouble, but the person doesn’t cause it themselves.
I tend to avoid people when I am sad so that I don’t bore or lose my friends, but that means I isolate myself when I’m being bullied and have no one to talk to. And my friends think I’ve decided to dump them and I lose them anyway. It’s hard work trying to not become toxic when you’re infected by family and bullies and you don’t want to infect anyone else. We need to be around good people and stay in the light in order to get better.
So if your toxic friend is the gloomy miserable sort, give them a warning before you cut them out, because gloomy people are not malicious, and losing friends en masse when they are needed most is how some people fall into vulnerability and full blown dramas through bullies and manipulators.
It’s so much worse when you don’t know what you did and why youre alone when you never hurt or raged at anyone, and only complained about the easy stuff you thought others could relate to.
Give them the best chance to change themselves and without labeling them, tell them that their gloomminess is becoming toxic and ask them to call you when they are feeling more positive, like you actually belive that they can be a happier person.
The real toxics will think F you, but the temporary ones will have a goal and a friend to work their way back to.
Jaded, thank you for that mega-thoughtful one!
I think I have been talking more about the not-well-meaning people rather than those in a bad mood, or burdened with problems. Toxic relationships are a double-edged sword, and sometimes those action-reaction-loops get off just like an autoreply, leaving everybody involved breathless and sad, without anyone involved being an actual j#rk: it just happens. Sometimes simple words ignite a bad reaction, and either side thinks the Other one is the mean and toxic one (“is it me or them?”). I hope you can figure out your situation, you sure sound like a person who can.
Just one more food for thought from me: asking for help is not, never ever, making anyone a victim. If you feel that way, you were probably looking for an ally rather than for help. But again, you sound like someone who can figure it out.
What helped me and many others a lot in the past was asking myself for help. How? Be kind to yourself. Ask yourself what are the places of love and places of light in your life? Maybe a hobby new or forgotten, or an actual beautiful place, or something you do (cooking, sports, helping others) that make you feel good, and strong, and poised, and well-meaning; short: a loving, caring individual. Try to build this positivity muscle as often as you can! The toxic loops will lose their power over you with time.
Sage advice coupled with some lovely quotes xx
thank you. it’s survival for some.
oh yes.
the energy vampires.
toxic indeed.
not (too) many around now (and none within a thirty mile zone)
😉
*wavingfromlosangeles*
_tg x
🙂 good job!
*happily waving from berlin*
thank you so much for the reminder! got rid of most of the dementors in my life… but it’s good to be aware.
love the quotes too xxx
this post has a context – I see so many lives seriously troubled by the toxicity of a single person.
and the quotes are of course motivational, so I’m glad you loved.
This is brilliant and a really helpful reminder too–because at times we are so used to the toxic people in our lives that we forget that we have a choice in how we deal with them…
Merci…
thank you – that’s what we do, we forget it! kind, friendly, strong people give in because they can’t believe the sheer amount of toxicity. and one day it’s an evil automatism. very tricky.
but besides from that – how are you!? seen your article on daily plate of crazy, need to read it stat. oh, and I’ve tried to comment on your blog using my google account/handle lately – raté.